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25 Really Unimportant and Trivial Things About Me XI: Godzilla vs. the Smog Monster

September 27, 2012

1. I am not handy around the house. At all. If something is broken and/or needs to be fixed, you better pay somebody else to do it. I either won’t be able to do it or I will end up doing it terribly.

2. I am not a “car guy”. If there is something wrong with your car, I am just about the last guy you should see about it.

3. I am notoriously lazy. This laziness prevents me from becoming any more knowledgeable or adept at #1 or #2.

4. My three favorite actors of all-time are Jimmy Stewart, John Wayne and Clint Eastwood.

5. My three favorite actresses of all-time are Marilyn Monroe, Grace Kelly and Ingrid Bergman.

6. I am a sucker for a pretty face.

7. In 2011, I ripped two brand new pairs of jeans right up the crotch seam.

8. I ripped one pair while climbing out of a storm drain after attempting to rescue some baby geese.

9. I ripped the second pair while unstrenuously kneeling down to get a pot from my sister’s cabinet. That was on Thanksgiving Day.

10. I prefer the security of briefs over the loose dangliness of boxers.

11. I like Playboy.

12. I detest cellphones. I do not have one and will not get one unless I possibly (or impossibly?) get a girlfriend someday. Maybe. On both counts.

13. I don’t think that people should get tax deductions for donating to charity or for paying for their own education or the education of their own children.

14. If you had asked me in high school what I would be doing at my current age, which is 37, I would have told you that I would be married with four kids, would have already published 6 books, would have graduated from FSU with degrees in Broadcast Journalism and Political Science and a minor in History, and that I would be in my fourth term in the U.S. House of Representatives.

15. I didn’t do any of those things.

16. One time, I was to take a young lady, we will call her “Rhonda”, to see The Mask of Zorro at the movies. We made a plan early in the week to see the movie on the following Saturday. When I called her to let her know I was about to leave to pick her up she didn’t answer, nor did she answer the next three times I called her. I went to see the movie by myself. Later, I found out that at the moment I was calling her, all four moments to be exact, she was having sex with her “ex”-boyfriend.

17. A woman once broke a date with me because she had to ‘cook unexpectedly”.

18. I watched It’s a Wonderful Life 30 times at Christmastime in 1996.

19. Despite growing up in a house with four females, I didn’t know that women farted until I was 18 years old.

20. Kelly Herrington ruined that illusion for me.

21. If there is a Jaguars game on, I will be doing nothing but watching that game. And eating.

22. I can’t dance.

23. I’m right-handed.

24. I hate American League baseball because of the DH.

25. I once became involved in a long distance relationship with a woman from Pompano Beach. She said she really liked me and that she was coming to visit me for Valentine’s weekend. I began planning a couple of weeks in advance. She told me what time her flight was landing and the hotel where she would be staying. I bought her a dozen Stargazer lilies (her favorite), a box of Fannie May butter creams (her favorite) and a giant teddy bear. I packed a suitcase and took it to work with me so I could go straight to her hotel after work. The time for her flight to land came and I called her cellphone. She didn’t answer. I called her several more times. No answer. After a while of worrying, I called the hotel where she said she would be staying and asked if they had a Gwen Goff registered there. They had never even heard of her. She made up the whole trip.

 

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4 Comments
  1. izzie permalink

    I think you need me to kick your ass when you think you have no luck with woman 🙂

  2. izzie permalink

    Hell yeah you have gift in wrtting and you be adorable when you want to 😛

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