Skip to content


September 25, 2012

1. I hate feet. Ladies, if I touch your feet then I really, really like you. Guys, forget it!

2. The nicest compliment ever given to me came from a preacher. He told me he wished he had another daughter for me to marry.

3. A llama once tried to mount me.

4. I tip waitresses more than I tip waiters.

5. I tip cute waitresses even more.

6. One time, many years ago, I almost fell off a mountain.

7. I often make mental notes, which I promptly throw in the mental garbage can.

8. Like it says in my Playboy Playmate Profile, I love moonlit walks on the beach and sunsets.

9. If I ever have a son, I will name him Thomas Jefferson. Or John Wayne. Or Pilot Inspektor.

10. I have always wanted to marry a woman named Rose.

11. When I was 4, I was playing Follow the Leader with my middle sister, Julie. I was the leader and was wearing shorts and my prized cowboy boots. I led her to the mud, but she wouldn’t follow me. I won the game, but I got stuck in the mud. I tried pulling free, my boots making the “slosh, slosh” noise. Like a fly caught in a spider’s web, the harder I tried to get out, the more stuck I became. Julie went to get my mom to help get me out of the mud. My mother came out of the house to find me struggling with my muddy captor………..and laughed her ass off. She ran into the house and called my babysitter. My babysitter sped over to the house………..with her Polaroid camera! While I was struggling, and crying my eyes out, my mom was trying to get the best picture.

12. When I worked at Winn-Dixie, I worked with a guy who went to jail for attempted murder. He had sex with women to intentionally give them AIDS. He was even on Maury!

13. On two separate occasions, I have gone to pick up girls to go the movies, within minutes of speaking to them on the phone, and they were gone.

14. Whenever I have a bad date, or get stood up, I watch CASABLANCA. I have seen CASABLANCA about 53 times.

15. The first time I met Marsha McCoy was when I was in 5th grade. She was in 3rd. I was walking behind her on the way home from school. I started making fun of her She-Ra, Princess of Power backpack. She grabbed me by the arm and flipped me over her back judo-style into the middle of Raintree Rd.

16. The only girl that liked me in high school was more popularly known by the name Cockroach.

17. I have been working on a screenplay off and on for about 12 years. It is an homage to, but also an indictment of, classic romantic comedies, Hollywood musicals and tearjerkers.

18. When I was a kid, playing baseball by myself in the backyard, I hit 924 home runs without the aid of steroids. Take that, Bonds!

19. When I worked at Blockbuster, I had a ginormous crush on one of my managers. She kind of liked me too. One day, as she was about to walk out of the back office, I grabbed her, pulled her to me, and kissed her hard on the lips. She gave in, melted in my arms and kissed me back. That led to……

20. We went out on a date, though it was strictly verboten as being fraternization. I took her to dinner at The Chart House. I had a great steak and paid $100 for dinner, including the tip to our one-handed waiter. We went for a walk on the Riverwalk. The night was beautiful. The temperature was moderate with a slight cool breeze. There were so many stars out that night. She was beautiful in her body clinging green dress and shimmery, diaphanous shoulder wrap. She smelled fantastic. There was romantic music playing along the Riverwalk. “The Very Thought of You” by Nat King Cole began playing. I stopped walking and grabbed her hand. As I pulled her towards me, she willingly pressed her taut, firm curves against me. We began to dance on the boardwalk, under the moonlit sky. She laid her head on my right shoulder and said, “I have to go. He’s waiting”……….

21. When I was 13 or 14, my next door neighbor Danny Price and I played Mike Hurst and Jeremy Stark in a game of street football (tag in the street, tackle in the grass). I threw 9 touchdown passes and caught 2 as the Redheads beat the Brownheads 77-14.

22. On the way home from a school dance on a really dark night in 8th grade, Danny Price, Mike Hurst and I got held up by gunpoint. The thief demanded we give him all of our money. I gave him $.80. He asked if we had more money. I told him no. He asked if I was sure. I told him yes, even though I had another $2.00 in my pocket. “You better not be lying to me!” he said. “I’m not”, I replied. Then he ran off. He may have figured what I knew about him, because he never showed up for art class again.

23. At the wedding of my friends Annie and Gary, Annie made me take the microphone at the center of the dance floor and sing and dance to “She Bangs” like William Hung.

24. The first football game I ever attended was a Jacksonville Bulls game in 1985. I spent at least half of the game watching the cheerleaders through the binoculars.

25. At the first Jacksonville Suns game I attended, in 1983, I played Strike-O! My first pitch almost took out the batboy’s balls. My second pitch missed the board by a mile. My third pitch hit the edge of the board, right near the Strike-O! hole. I won a gift certificate to Taco Viva at Regency Square Mall.


From → Uncategorized

  1. izzie permalink

    you see some positive about yourself … i will help you .. you have amazing laugh you have cute eyes and you have gift for writing

    • Now I’m blushing. And you have alternately the cutest and sexiest accent. And you take luminous pictures, due in no part I’m sure, to the fact that you’re gorgeous. 🙂 And, you are extremely sweet and could make a man feel as if he could do just about anything he sets his mind on.

  2. Susan Doll permalink

    Re: Your desire to marry someone named Rose. I have a cousin named Barbie, who pre-existed the doll, but she was sure happy to take her husband’s name when she got married.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: