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I’m So Happy That You’re Gone

March 21, 2013

I’m glad you took your dog;
That ugly, ankle-biting pest.
Now that he is gone
I just might get some rest.

His yapping drove me CRAZY,
As your nagging ALSO did.
I was blessed by God Almighty
That we never had a kid.

He would have been a spoiled brat
As YOU most surely were.
I try to remember the good times,
But my memory is a blur.

I do remember your bras
And pantyhose everywhere,
And all the smelly creams
To remove your mustache hair.

ALWAYS watching YOUR shows
And NEVER watching MINE
Was a constant irritation,
But you called it “Quality time”!

You insisted I wax my chest,
Unfortunately I obeyed.
“You’d do it if you loved me!”
Was the argument you made.

The hair plugs and teeth bleaching
You “encouraged” me to do
Thankfully went UNdone,
Despite protests from you.

You were never, ever satisfied
With ANYTHING I did.
You had the cheery disposition
Of an angry, starving squid.

You expected me to clean
As you dirtied up the place,
And didn’t lift a finger,
While Cheetos filled your face.

Sex with you was unpleasant.
You were BOSSY in the sack.
MORE than once I thought that
I might fake a heart attack.

You were rude to all my friends
And dismissive to my mom.
You were a horrible, terrible cook
And I’m so happy that you’re gone.

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